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The Bachelor Auction/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW You ever notice how winding your window down by hand makes you look lower middle class? Here's a cheap way to fix that. First of all, what you want to do is get the window winder right off there. Throw that away. Next, get yourself one of these battery-powered hand mixer-type units here. You ever notice on these how the blades go in opposite directions? Remember that. I'm going to be referring back to that later on. These are real cheap, especially if the blades are missing. Okay, now, to wind the window up, all I do is stick one of these blade receptacles over the window winder shaft. And then just hit the button. And how do I wind it down? Well, that's where that reversing direction thing comes in that I was referring to earlier. I just pop that on. [ cheers and applause ] all right. Thank you very much. Thank you very much. Appreciate it. Got a bit of a financial situation going on at the lodge this week. If any of you have sent in your dues or made a donation of any kind, we didn't get it. I went down to the bank. I asked to see the possum lodge account, they handed me a little jar with coins in it. [ laughing ] what are you guys doing here? We were doing a little advertising. Yeah, we were just kind of hoping, you know, to tap into the power of television's exposure to meet some foxy ladies. Oh, man. Yeah, we've been having a bit of trouble meeting the ladies around here. That's because they know you. I'd like to help you guys, but I've got to raise some cash for the lodge. Well maybe that's an area we can help you out because, I mean, like, I've got my own sewage and septic sucking business. I've been raking it in pretty good lately, red. I heard that. Yeah. As a matter of fact, I've got entrepreneur written all over me. Well, maybe if you hose it off, you could get a date. [ laughter ] date! That's it! A bachelor auction. A bachelor auction? Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. You and me and some of the other fellows will go into it, and women will bid for the right to spend an evening with us. Well, I don't know about doing it for money. Like, I promised my mom I'd stay out of the family business. No, no, no. The lodge gets the money, not us. Oh, okay. We get the dates! Well, what do the women get out of it? You might want to keep that as a surprise. Yeah, good point. Yeah, good plan. Time to play the possum lodge word game. Today's prize is a coupon for three kisses at brenda's kissing booth at the possum lake fall fair. Brenda's pleased to announce that the tests came back negative, so she's back in business. That's brenda's kissing booth, kisses one dollar. Ask about our other prices. Red, you've got 30 seconds to get -- harold to get, that's right -- to get harold to say this word. You have 30 seconds to get harold to say this word. And go. All right, harold. Yeah. Okay, for a man, this is the worst thing to be. Judgmental. No, I was thinking more along the lines of you know, dork, moron, goofball. Oh! Oh! Your family tree. That's interesting coming from one of the major knotholes on that tree. Remember that girl you went with in college? What did she call you? Collect. No. No. No. What name did she call you? Pooky-pants. This is going to take forever. Chop chop here, red. You're just about out of time. Okay, harold, guys like you are referred to as -- the future. No, no, harold, this is an insult. An insult? Oh, that's different. I was going to say geek. Yeah! [ bell ringing ] welcome to talking animals with the local animal control officer ed frid. Ed had brought us in an electric eel today. C'mon up here, ed. C'mon, ed. Okay, sure. No big deal. So what do these electric eels eat, anyway? You know, electric eels are actually a species of fish. But you know, we call them eels because -- because -- because they look like eels. They're all smooth and black. They got the sharp teeth and the beady eyes, eh? And they're always looking like they're up to something, like they're planning something behind your back. Just like an eel. Okay, now, that's good information, but I asked you what they eat. Oh, oh, right. Yeah. Here's what happens. A little fish comes swimming by, and the electric eel will electrify the water all around it. Like that, and it eats the little fish while it's still in shock. Oh. These things can drop a horse. Yeah. Up to 600 volts comes out of these babies. Holy smoke. You don't want one of these in the bathtub with you. No, I wouldn't advise that. No. No, that's not a good idea. Don't ever bathe with electric eels. Because the teeth alone -- all right, ed. Ed, I was joking. Ed, it was a joke. Don't -- don't ever joke about electric eels. Okay. All right. Fine. Fine. So what temperature do you keep the water at there for the eel? Oh, I don't know, just sort of warm, I guess. You okay, ed? Yeah, I'm good. Yeah. I'm good. Where are we? You were just telling the people about the fish you brought in here. Yeah. Really? Okay. Well, as you can see, the full-grown dolphin loves to play with people. Many of them have their own television programs. Like you, ed. First of all, I'm not ed. And that's not a dolphin. Yes, it is. That's flippy the dolphin. Oh, yeah. Yeah. He loves to be petted too. Come here, guy. No, no, no. All right, now. Ed -- ed -- ed. I think we'll have you come back another day with another animal. How's that? Sounds good, flippy. You know, every once in awhile your wife will let you know that it's time to get rid of some of your junk. You'll know the time because it starts to get cold. Your meals are cold, your bed is cold, and every time she looks at you the furnace kicks on. That's when you know it's time to clean out the storage shed. Now, I suppose you could just throw this stuff into a ravine, or whatever, but is that what a responsible person does? Not according to the cops. No, no, today's handyman gets rid of his junk by turning it into something useful. Your wife can relate. It's basically what she did with you. All right, let's see what we've got here. Chair with no legs; got a lawn mower missing the front wheels; got a chunk of an extension ladder; and a kid's bike. I should be able to make something out of this. If at first you don't succeed, use more duct tape. Junk? I don't see any junk. I see a top-fuel elimination rail dragster. Okay, maybe we don't have the short block 350 chevy with the dual quads and headers on there. But a lawn mower engine does one thing just as good as any v-8, it makes a lot of noise, especially if we de-install the muffler. And stick in a low back pressure funnel unit in there. Anyway, the real secret is the fuel. I put a gallon of stuff in left over from junior's stag. I'm not sure what it is, but if it goes through that engine as fast as it went through junior, we'll be looking at a land speed record. A chair with no legs makes a perfect seat, and a lawn mower handle makes a perfect steering wheel. As it's a dragster, you don't steer it anyway. I've got all the controls at my fingertips... Ignition, throttle and mulch. So I'm basically ready to go. So remember, if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you handy. Now, if you'll excuse me. I've got to burn some serious rubber. Never thought I'd see the day when I'd be talking about chest implants for men, but that day has arrived. Okay, here's the deal. Guys are gettin' little plastic bags full of sea water implanted into their chests so they'll look like arnold schwarzenegger without doing the exercising. You look like a barracuda, but you are, in fact, a jellyfish. Okay, this is only asking for trouble. Like say you're out on the street, you're all pumped up with your new pecks, some hood grabs some old lady's purse and takes off runnin' right towards you. Everybody's yellin', stop him! Stop him! 'cause you're this big muscular guy, right? You gotta do something. So you step in front of this thief, and he runs right into you. Blam! Your implants explode like eggs on a windshield. He goes by, you start chasin' him. You sound like two rubber boots full of water. After about a block, you drown from the inside. So forget the implants. My grandfather once told me, never let your mind write a cheque that your body isn't prepared to cash. Remember, I'm pullin' for you. We're all in this together. [ cheers and applause ] well, we gotta think of some way of sweetening the pot. The auction's tonight, and so far it's just mike and me in it. Oh, man. [ audience whistling ] red: That's a nice suit you got there, mike. Well, thanks. Your tailor expecting to put on a lot of weight and height? Very funny. It's not custom made. I got it off the rack, and I was in kind of a hurry. [ laughter ] was the store about to close? No, it was about to open. [ laughter ] you know, winston, if mike's gonna be wearing that to the auction, you better spruce up a little bit; otherwise, you're not gonna get any bids. Oh, winston'll be fine, dalton. No matter how good mike looks, he's only gonna go home with one woman. Well, we don't know that. Mind you, if it was more than five, it would be my personal best. [ laughter ] well, I might be able to give you a run for your money, pal. Don't forget I didn't make it big in the sewage business by backing away from challenges. Well, you know, I'm gonna go out and see if I can't drum up a couple more bachelors because I love to see people I know being humiliated. [ laughing ] I think I'm just gonna stand here and look good. [ laughter ] five women, mike? Uh, yeah, it was a ladies' basketball team. Oh, man. Did you make to the playoffs? No, I fouled out. [ laughter and applause ] okay, we're here to solve a problem between dalton humphrey and hap shaughnessy. Dalton, why don't you give us your side? [ sighs ] that man is a liar. Could you be more specific at all? I draw your attention to exhibit "a." red, could you please hold that up? Now, that is a man's white glove that belongs to hap shaughnessy. He claims that it was originally the property of none other than napoleon bonaparte. He wants to donate it to the possum lake curio and natural oddities museum, and I am the one who has to authenticate it. This your glove, hap? Give it to me, red. Let me have a look. Yep. You see? See that "m" on that tag? That stands for main, and that's french for hand. I think that "m" stands for medium. I believe that's french for 42-d. You see what I'm sayin', red? He's lyin' through his teeth. There's no way that napoleon gave him that glove. Well, that's obvious. Napoleon died a thousand years before I was born. This glove was given to me by his great grandson, bob bonaparte. [ laughter ] I saved his life one night when he came into a satan's choice meeting wearing his mime costume. I've never been a big fan of mimes myself. On the other hand, they don't talk. Well, look at that glove. It's not antique, it's brand new! Yeah, it is in pretty good shape, hap. Well, of course it is. This was on the hand that he always kept inside his jacket. [ laughter ] when you think about it, napoleon conquered europe single-handedly. Red, can't you do something? I mean, that glove belongs to hap, not napoleon. I think I can prove it once and for all. Look, I rest my case. Sorry, dalton. He's got a precedent there. It the glove doesn't fit, it belongs to the french twit. Red: Uh, young walter called us up. Had an emergency of some kind. He was stuck, apparently, somewhere's, and dalton and I come up there -- I don't know whether he was in a tree, or there's a ravine close to the road there. I thought maybe he might have fallen down the ravine. May that was -- but, uh, -- no, he wasn't down there. That stick had been sittin' down there for a couple of weeks. Don't know where that was from. But, uh, dunno where the heck he is. Oh, wait a minute. Uh-oh. Oh, man. What? Just use the -- use the -- bring 'er down with the controls. Hit the down -- just bring 'er down with the control. Hit the control. Oh, they're not working. Oh, the controls aren't working. Okay. Okay. Okay. Don't worry. Don't worry. Don't worry. C'mon. C'mon, dalton. Here, boy. Here, boy. C'mon, boy. Here, boy. All right. Now we had a special ladder we got from the r.K.O. Studios. These are hard to come by, believe me. They're a great unit, you know. If you can get ahold of one, they're unbelievable. A great system. But you need that kind of length when you're goin' up the -- real heavy, and leverage is major here. Get 'er up. Get 'er up. I think it's gonna be just perfect. Just perfect. Hang on, walter. Help's on its way. Here it comes -- oh, no. Oh, oh, oh, oh! And down the ravine. Okay, now, if we can hook on to one of the levers or an edge, anything sticking out of this -- now, you stand back, walter. Get back away. We're gonna try to lasso onto a piece of the metal, and we can pull the whole unit down. Just get her up there. Hook onto something there, dalton. Hook onto something. Yeah, you'll be all right. Oh, uh, yeah. Well, uh, oh! Oh, oh, oh! Give 'er a good one! And, oh, my gosh! Well, oh! All right, well, he's down, you know. Oh, and he's good. And he's good. And he brought the ladder back. [ applause ] [ clock ticking ] you know, a lot of the young guys grow up missin' out learnin' how to use their hands because they figure anything they need they can just go out and buy at a store, you know. Well, I'll tell ya, it's no kindness to let a young guy grow up to be a wuss. So today we're gonna spend -- here, give me that. We're gonna spend some quality time learnin' how to build a -- what are we gonna do? Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay, but what is this? What do we have here? What does it look like? What -- what -- what -- what is it, huh? What does that look like? Don't touch it! Don't touch it. You'll break it. Okay, it's a birdhouse. It's a birdhouse. We're gonna build a birdhouse. All right. Now, the first thing we wanna do with the birdhouse is nail this side onto the bottom. And I'm gonna need some help with this. I'm gonna need some help, so are you gonna help old dalton with this? Are you gonna? Sure you are! Okay, you hold that good. Just hold it anywhere. No, not there. No, no, that's not steady enough. Just hold it -- no, no, not there! I told you not there. Oh, give that to me. [ laughing ] all right, now, the first thing we gotta do, get a nail started, right? Get the nail in, give 'er a little tap or two. Tap, tap, tap. Okay, and now we're ready to line up the bottom. We'll get a good -- ah! Oh, boy, that did hurt. You don't wanna do that too often, do you? Okay, I just showed you that, so you can see what will happen if you're not careful. All right? I think that's enough wood shop for today. Go off and -- off you go. Just don't grow up to be a wuss! Bye bye. Nice boy, he's just not that handy. Something you're born with, I guess. [ bell ringing ] oh, man. Audience: Wah-o-o-o! All right. Settle down. Sit down, winston. Okay. Welcome to the first annual possum lodge bachelor auction. We're all set to -- oh, all right. All right. I've just been informed that our, uh, first entry is a bit of a surprise visitor and a late entry, and I don't know who it is. Bring him in whoever he is. Our first bachelor, come on in. Audience: Wah-o-o-o! [ whistling and applause ] okay, here goes nothin'. Uh, will any of you give us 50 bucks? Oh, man. All right. How about $100? How about $200? That's okay. No hard feelings. How about $300? Okay, let's speed this up before you ladies regain your senses. How about $500? Sold! The winner, if we can call her that, is this lady right here in the front row. Oh, my gosh. [ applause ] all right. Next bachelor. Winston, do you wanna stand up here? Can we start the bidding off at, say, $100? $100? Okay, how about 50 -- 50 -- you know what, I'm gonna group the next two items. Mike, get up here. And, uh, ladies, you just start the -- anybody give me a -- tell me where I should start the bidding. I'll bid $10. You know, I don't think anybody's that desperate for a date, dalton. It's not a date. I need help cleanin' out my warehouse. Sounds good to me. You got 'em both for 10 bucks. [ possum squealing ] oh, there's the meeting. C'mon, guys. Yeah, you guys go ahead. I'll be right down. If my wife is watchin', I'll be comin' straight home after the meetin', and I'm so glad I stayed faithful to you over the years. I tell you, being married is tough enough. Dating's even worse. I can't imagine doin' both. Hats off to frank gifford, huh? To the rest of you, thanks for watchin'. On behalf of myself and all the eligible bachelors up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. [ cheering and applause ] closed captioning performed by intercaption canada www.Intercaption.Com. Everybody sit down. Everybody sit down. Take your place. All rise. All rise. Quando omni flunkus moritati. Sit down. [ laughter and applause ] you go ahead. I'm not here. I am not here. You're never here. All right, men, bow your heads for the men's prayer. I'm a man, but I can change, if I have to, I guess. Closed captioning provided by